


Will you ever love me?

by Kyakn



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Smut, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Self-Harm, Smut, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:29:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29747778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyakn/pseuds/Kyakn
Summary: Oh well just a johnkat story as you can see with a bit ton of davekat hope yall like it because I don't know what to put here. (Also it is the first ever fanfic with smut I have ever done and the first one in english so if it is too cringe or have too much fails in the lanaguage please don't hate on me ;-;)****i'm just posting it now, it was originally posted almost 3 years ago***
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Karkat Vantas
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Pov: Karkat

In you life, you never expected to not get culled sooner, and even less to be in a relationship with someome thats not even the same species as you, his name is Dave Strider and he is an asshole, and such a douchebag and also your matesprite, you don't even know how you started to feel red for him, but you do, and neither you do know how he started to feel red for you, but he does, but in now days since you started to live with him, in your house, life has never been so peaceful, like for real you never felt that peace inside of yourself.

But after some years together with Dave, you just noticed he wasn't acting the same way he used to, he is "diferent", and you started to wonder... Why he was that different, and why the fucking douchebag with blue eyes known as John disappeared, no one know where he has been, he is not answering any message or not even getting out, not even Dave have notices of him, and you fucking totally aren't worried about him... Yeah thats for sure... John Egbert can fuck himself, you don't care at all.

Tonight you are spendin some time with your Matesprite, and you are quite wanting to do something you two don't do for a while, and by that you mean by months. You slowly starts to get closer to him, he notices it and stay still, you then crawl into his lap, sitting right into the place where his bulge would be, he still with that fucking dumb poker face.

-Karkat what the fuck are you doing dude? - He says while placing both of his hands on your hips, you then rock against his dick, he holds a whine, you grin to his reaction.

-Shut up and lets do *that* tonight - You say, he does his fucking ironic smile at you, and then you two are now pretty closer to eachother when your lips smash with his, and both of you starts a slowly kiss, he still kissing you while he slowly lays you on the sofa, where you both were, he presses his tongue on your bottom lip and you battle against his tongue with your own.

But suddenly while you two were kissing when he was slowly entering his own hands under your sweater, you realised this don't feel like the time you two used to, then he goes down and started to suck on your neck, trying to leave marks with his not sharp teeth, you whimper with this, while you wrap your legs around his waist, he grins at you.

But this is... Not the same way you felt for the first time, it is not as romantic and passionate as the first time you two get along, it is just... sex...you are doing just sex... if feels like there is no feeling there.

Lost on your thoughts, you come back to the reality, when Dave was sucking one of your horns and rubbing the other one with his hands, you moan and let a series of whimpers. You rock your hips against his, making him let out a whimper, he rocks back against you.

In some minutes both of you were out of clothes, he is between your legs putting 2 figers inside of your nook and scretching you. You let out a moan of pleasure and you rock against his fingers, and when you least expect it his dick was posicionated on your entrace.

You look at him, and he does it too, and he started to enter you, and you moan loudly, soon he was entirelly into you, he lows himself to start kissing your neck all over again, while letting some pants, just like you.

You roll your hips, and he starts to move in a slowly and steady pace, your moans are low for a while, and he is panting, you suddenly let yourself lost in your thoughts again, it doesn't feel like it used to feel, it wasn't as special as it used to be, it is just sex... It is just fucking...

He hits your sweet spot, and you scream while scratching his back, now some blood is dripping out of his back, his thrust got more force and they are harder but still in a steady pace, and your moams are louder but it just don't feel the same, and then after some minutes of fucking, both of you were done.

He got off of you and laid beside you, and you are just laying by his side, you turn to the opposite side of him making little angry grumbles, he does the same, and you realised you don't feel red for Dave anymore and he seems to not feel red for you too, since there was no actual feel on it and you could feel, anyway you fell asleep in the middle of your thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

You wake up in the mornig, no Dave by your side, you sigh and refuses to get up, you really hate to get out of the thing humans sleep in, you grumple angrely but it was muffled by the sheets.

\- Come on Karkles, you need to wake up- Dave says, when did he even get the fuck here?.

-mmffhffff!- You try to say.

-We need to talk for real bro please - He says and then you turn your head to face him, he is wearing just his boxers, and siting by your side in the bed, you give him an angry glare and you got to sit the fuck up.

-What the fuck do you want?- You ask, already seeing Dave's face as he is seriouslly now.

-I will be direct and short, we need to break up our relationship - He said, you felt your heart freeze in this moment, you start to feel yourself colder than you already were.

-Can I at least know the fucking reason?- You ask, starting to get angry, but in the deep you already know the reason.

-The reason is... I don't feel like this is going right anymore y'know? I mean we aren't the same ones as we were before - At each word that was caming out of his mouth was destroying you, even you not feeling the same way as you used to.

-...- You couldn't manage to say anything, you were just staying still there looking at him.

Before you could ever think, you stand up, he is not even looking at you, that motherfucker... You start to pick all of your clothes you wear, he still not moving just looking at the blankets with his famous poker face, as fast as you can notice you were with a bag heading out of your hive that you used to share with him, some good cherry red tears started to fell of your face.

You know were you are going, and you really hope he accepts you in his hive, he has been off for so long, and last time you saw him, he was dating Vriska, even tho he doesn't seemed that happy with her, and since then you never talked to him anymore, and no one else has any notices from him, you for the first time in your fucking life you hope he is fine and he let you stay in his hive or how humans call it... House.

You arrived at his hive you didn't even believed that, you wipe some tears off of your face, you take a deep breath, no tears, and then you knock on his door.  
.  
.  
.  
No answer, you try again.  
.  
.  
.  
Still no answer, okay you are starting to be very fucking worried. When you were about to knock once more, the door just opened a little, you open it more, and you see inside of his house.

It wasn't a very big mess, it still a mess but not a big one, you step inside, scared but you take some courage and start to go inside even further.

-John? - You call him, but no answer, you let your bag on the front door, you're still looking for him.

-John?- You called again, no answer, you go in the part of the respiteblocks.

-John fucking Egbert if you are here fucking answer me, it is not time for pranks- You say it loud, and no answer for a few minutes, when you think he is not home, and you started to get out you hear a whimper, your ears perked, and you turn.

-John?- You call, and some minutes after another whimper, you start to go into his room, following the whimpers. When you got into the room, you see... His bed was a mess of blankets, dvds were all in the ground, tv was turned on passing a random thing, but mostly important John was thrown in the ground with some of the blankets with him.

Silenty, you approach him, he do one more whimper before you sit next to him, you look at his face, he seems awful, his dark raven hair was a mess, he got black holes in his eyes, his glasses were crooked with one of the lenses broken, his shiny blue eyes are not as shiny they used to be, he seems so fragile right now.

-John... What happened?- You ask, you start to untangle him from the blankets, with it revealing more of him, he looks like he hasn't been eating for a while, and his clothes were stinky and dirty, but something got your attention, his arms... They were all bloody and wounded.

-Ka-Kar...kat- He tries to say your name, you just pet his cheek.

-John I don't fucking know whats happening, but look at you... You're awful Jegus...- You say, he tries to smile but fails and instead his eyes just turn to you. Thats it, you can't see him like that, you took a decision.

-John... Don't move I will help you, I swear- You say, his look is confused but he doesn't move at all. First things first you start to do his bed, a little annoying and difficult but you could manage that fast.

Once the bed was finished, you lift him, using both of your hands to support his weight, he is a little bit heavy, but since he hasn't been eating he is lighter than he used to, that makes you worried as hell, he whimpers a little by the time you lift him up.

Then you set him on his bed with belly up, resting his head in the comfortable sheets of his bed, you examin his arms, horrible state, but before you treat his arms...

You start to undress him, he looks at you surprised but he doesn't have enough forces to complain or protest, so you just let him naked. You blush as you see him, and he looks a little frustrated too, you set a blanket over him, and you go to his bathroom, filling his tub with some nice warm water.

As soon the tub is ready, you go to his respiteblock again, and you take him again in your arms, blushing with a naked John in your arms you head yourself into the bath tub with him.

You set him slowly into the tub, he seems relaxed, his eyes were vacilatin between keep open or close, it doesn't matter at all, you start to clean him as much as you can.

When he is clean, he is almost sleeping, you with a towel take him again, and you set him in the bed in the same position as before, you start to take care of his wounded arm now, and he let some whimpers complaining about the pain.

Once you are done, you dress him up with some clothes that you found on his wardrobe, you set his glasses on the top of the wardrobe and you sit by his side in the bed.

-Are you... Feeling any better?- You ask, he looks at you, trying to smile again.

-ye-yes...- he says quietly, you let out a sigh.

-John I will go get something for you to eat okay? Wait for me. - You say, he do a weak nod, and you go out to buy something edible with the money you bring with yourself.

\---------------*---------------

When you come back, you start to make food, oh well at least what you could consider edible enough, because fuck you are definetly not good in the kitchen. Once It's done, and by that It's edible not necessarily tasteful, you head yourself to Johns respiteblock, and he is still awake and in the same position which is good.

You positioned the food on his lap, he looked at the food and at you.

-Eat... You need it, fuckass- you say, but he still not moving to give it a bite. You sigh, you grab a fork and little of the food, you positioned them, in front of his mouth, slowly he opened it and let you feed him, he is slowly eating all of this and swalling, you keep feeding him, until It's done and he is almost falling asleep.

-John...Before you actually pass the fuck out... Can I stay in your house for a while?- You ask hoping he would say yes, well he actually didn't said anything instead he nodded and closed his eyes, you wonder what has been happening to him passing those years, you literally have no fucking clue.


	3. Chapter 3

The days passed by faster than you thought, and you're actually not missing Dave at all, and now you know that these relationship you were having with him, just finished months ago or maybe years ago, you're not sure, John got very well on these days, he is now not as fragile as the day you found him, and you're living in his house now, and it is not as annoying as you thought, he has been a lot more tolerable than he has in the past, which is impressive for you.

You and John has spending a lot of time together during those days, since you got to be his babysitter human thing, both of you watched a lot of movies and he has talking a lot to you, but you have a question that was in your mouth since you found him in that estate.

-John...- You call him, he turns his head to you with his goofy smile.

-Yeah karkat?- He answers.

-Okay, remember when I come to your house and found you all fucked up on the ground?- you ask, he slowly nodded.

-Okay, so what the fuck happened John?- you ask, soon his goofy smile disappears and a sad look on his face just appeared.

-I... I'ts personal Karkat...- he tells you, already avoiding to look to you.

-Can't you tell me? As you weird humans say we are budies- you say it, he turns to you and kinda smiles.

-It's...just... I'm kinda not feeling motivaded during this years, I...I just... I just felt so lonely, you had Dave, Jade have davesprite, Rose have Kanaya, and I used to have Vriska, but... -he seems aprehensive to tell- She... She didn't really care... You know? She always got a way to make me feel bad, or blame me, or make me scared she usually does it as a joke but I felt so sad, and one day I got so scared of her, that I broke up with her- some tears were accumulating on his eyes- A-And... When it happened...I was all alone... Here... And you guys seemed so busy and I didn't wanted to interrupt your lives, and... The thoughts... The thoughts Vriska made me think about... Those all came by in my mind, and... I couldn't stop thinking about them a-and... I started to cut myself so I could think on the pain instead of those thoughts... And it was helping...- okay now he is definitely crying oh shit- Nothing more was making me happy... Karkat... I felt so alone... During these years... And I really tried to do things to make me happy... Things I used to love but...Nothing helped... And the thoughts still coming back... I...- he stopped to let a lil hiccup escape through his mouth.

You couldn't resist, you pulled him, cuddling him, he seems surprised but didn't pulled you away, you know he has a thing about being homosexual, but for the first time he is accepting, you pulled his head to your chest, oh well a wet sweater you will have soon, he was snuggling against your chest, letting little hiccups out, you just started to pet his back.

You lay down with him in your arms, you still petting his back slowly and carefull, something you don't really know you were capable of, he seems to start to calm down himself slowly, oh fuck you started to purr fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck.

-Thats cute...- he says against your chest, you blush, luckly he can't see your face, you hide the said face into his raven black hair, soon you feel John breathing heavily and he was asleep, you are almost asleep too, you start to hate yourself for having these feelings you're feeling for John.


	4. Chapter 4

More days passed by, John actually got better since that day, and he has been more active than ever, you wonder what have changed him so much, now both of you are sitting on his couch, watching a really fucking non sense cartoon, that Johns likes a lot, but he seems nervous, when the cartoon finished he turned off the tv.

-Karkat...- He calls you, you turn to him.

-What? - you ask him.

-I uh... So... You Know I'm not homsexual right?- you confirm with your head, a little sad- so uh... I'm... I'm not... sure anymore you know...and... I think I do may like guys I just... Karkat I wanna experiment it... so C-can we kiss?- he says, his cheeks are red very red and he is looking away with the flustered face of his, your cheeks start to get a little hot.

-W-what?- you ask.

-You don't... Need to accept... You know what?... T-This is stupid l-lets go watch something else- he says trying to not get further on this conversation, you don't let him get the control.

-John... I accept...- you say, he blushes even more, fuck you karkat what a stupid idea, hell fucking... You look at him, and he does the same, your eyes are meeting, he seems so nervous like he was going to give his first ever kiss in his life. You took the lead, you held his hands, his hands are shaking oh god.

Slowly, you approaches him, he still seemed very nervous, and his face is all red, one of your hands leave his hands and go to his face, petting his hair and pulling he closer to you slowly.

He closed his eyes, you do that as well, and your lips are finally conected, you kiss him slowly, and he is trying to go with you, your kiss is slow and carefull, as anything would broke John, soon your hands goes to held him by his sides, he freezes with it, but soon start to lead his own hands to your face.

Soon you couldn't resist this, and you tried a tentative tongue on his mouth, and he slowly let you in, and you tongue kiss him.

But because of the air you both had to separate, fuck you air, your cheeks are looking like lava, you bet his are too, you open your eyes, and he still with his closed.

-pretty...- you say while looking at him, he oppened his eyes to stare at you.

-w-what?- he asks, soon you realised what you've said.

-pretty fucking fine was that kiss yeah...- you say,he giggles.

-Thanks Karkat... For everything- he says, hugging you.

-Yeah...Yeah thats right thanks me you douche- you say, he let soke giggles out, you are fucking horns over heels for that boy what a shit, you hate that, you fucking do.

He is looking at you with those gorgeous blue eyes, you can't resist but give him a little peck on his lips, he looks surprised at you and just looked away.

-eh, I will... You know... Sleep- you say before, walking away from him, before he could even speak, you can't just stay near him anymore, it is just too painful he is probably going to say he wasn't homosexual and that he was just experimenting holy shit Karkat you shouldn't have accepted it holy fucking shit.

You throw yourself at your bed, that John provided to you, some tears roll down your cheeks, fuck you're so stupid to accept it in the first place, and second to believe he could actually like you the same way you're feeling, fuck you Karkat Vantas you dumb fucking shit, you hate yourself so fucking much oh gog.


	5. Chapter 5

As days passed by you and John were more awkward to look at eachothers face, both of you may blush seeing eachother, but trying to hide anyway, quite a few days both of you don't have talked about the kiss you both shared. You blush as you remember, and Terezi invited you to a party even you don't liking parties in general, you decided to go, since you are kinda trying to avoid John anyways.

Once you arrived to Terezis house, you noticed that she invited a bunch of people, and the song was loud enough, ugh you hate this, you enter.

Pov: John

Again you noticed that Karkat, leaved, god... You hate this feeling... The feeling of being alone, your head is comanding you to do a stupid thing but you won't, because you know Karkat will find out and be sad and angry at you because of it, and you don't want that. In fact you are blaming yourself for what is happening between you and karkat, you just want things to come back as what they were before, but you can't do that.

You feel really weird during this days, you were pretty sure that you weren't into boys, but now you don't feel as sure as you used to, you feel so confused oh god, you feel your heart racing as the thought of confusion, jeeeez you hate this so much, you hate this feelings you just want them to stop, you realized you need to talk to Karkat about you two, but you're scared you don't want him to hate you.

\-----*-----

Hours passed by and no signal of Karkat, you are worried, so damn worried, what if something happened to him? Lost in your thoughts you heard the door loudly open, you look up, it is Karkat, your body is more relaxed now, you run to him, and he seems weird but none than that he seems fine, and you greet him with a smile.

-Welcome Karkat, where have you been?- you say, he looks at you.

-TeRezis...Party...hic...- he says, soon your smile fades, is he drunk?

-Karkat did you drinked?- you ask and he just laughs, okay... This is definitely weird.

-You're so... god... Hic ...goddamnn... Cute...you...Hic...know that?- he says, you blush at that.

-Karkat... You are drunk aren't you? I must take you to bed- you say, setting one of your arms around him and putting one of his around your shoulders, you slowly starts to lead him to his room.

-You...Are...so...Hic...pretty...with...Hic...those blue....eyes of... Hic...yours... and you little...Hic..shit...don't fucking....Hic....realize that...fuck...Hic... I'm so...Hic...flushed for you...and you don't realized....Hic..that either...- you blush even more after this words, you freeze, but still carrying him until you arrived at his room.

-Karkat you're drunk, so please sleep and rest okay?- you say setting him, on his bed, but after you could leave, he pulls you and soon you realized you're laying with him on his bed, you blush more.

-Hic... Stay...Stay HiC please- he begs, crushing you into him, you grip at his sweater, he is purring oh god he is adorable you can't resist.

-Fine...- you say, he loses his grip a bit, just like you do, this is so a thing you would never do, but you are actually doing, and karkat is purring and it is adorable, shit, you think he already fell asleep burying his face into your hair, you start to fail at not sleeping too, soon you close your eyes with you face pressed against his chest, and you finally sleeps.


	6. Chapter 6

You wake up at the sound of a Karkat grumbling against your hair, about how his head hurts, you laugh a little.

-you're awake, you little shit- he says, and you look up at him.

-Yeah...- you confirms pulling a little away from him.

-So uh...I did something bad while... in the state I were?- he asks, you look at him kinda confused soon you remembered the words he said to you, you blush.

-No...Not really, I mean you didn't do anything, but said... you said...You were flushed for me- you say kinda looking away, but then you look back at him, he is blushing.

-Well uh...I...wasn't lying...- He says, your cheeks start to burn.

-r-really?- you ask, and he nods.- oh...-

-I know you will say you are not homosexual and shit but fuck you John Egbert I can't stop feeling this way for you, so fuck you don't mess with my fucking feelings you mother fucking gorgeous little shit- he says, you look at him blushing a little, and before he starts again, you by impulse kiss him, he is not moving, he is surprised you can guess, but after some minutes he is kissing you back, you grip at his sweater.

But both of you separe, and he have such a confused look on his face and he was about to start to talk again but you interrupted him.

-Karkat, I'm very confused about my real sexuality right now, b-but... For some weird reason I feel like... I feel like I felt when I was with Vriska, the feeling... This feeling, a-and I don't want to hurt your feelings, I...I think... I can be with you... Without testing I... Karkat... I think I feel the same... way as you do- you say blushing a lot, and shuting your eyes, he makes you look at him.

-Are you fucking sure about that?- he asks you.

-y-yes- you answer, and you feel his lips against yours, and it's slow and good, you are really enjoying this, you are kissing him back and trying to go with him, soon he presses his tongue against your bottom lip, and you let him in, tongue kissing him it is good you realized it.

He is on top of you not breaking the kiss thought, you are quiet unsure of it but you're letting him, soon he breaks the kiss, he looks at you locking his eyes on you, red meeting blue, he goes down kissing your neck, some whines leaves your mouth, since it is not that cool such sharp teeth near your neck, he leaves a bite on the juncture of you neck and shoulder, you cry out because of the pain, the mark bleeds a little, and he lick it.

-Are you..uh...Okay with me doing this?- He asks unsure at you.

-Yes...It is...Fine...- you say, he starts to kiss you again, you wrap your arms around his neck and his hands goes down under your shirt, you shiver at his touch on you, both of you break the kiss so he could undress you properly, without even noticing soon both of you were naked, he is on top of you kissing you passionately, and you are trying to follow his rythm, which you found out it is not as difficult as you thought.

-John... Do you want me to stop now? I can stop if you want- you look at him, he is blushing, you look down and see that his bulge is unshelted and moving in excitment, you blush even more after seeing this.

-N-No... You can continue...- you say, afterall you're as hard as well and walking with a boner do not sound too cool right now.

-Not changing your mind? Are you even ready for this?- he asks you.

-Y-Yes I am and no, not changing m-my mind...-you say, the truth is that you are very unsure about it, but you are ready to try, soon he is kissing you again, his hand slowly goes down, and takes your erection, you let out a whimper, he is purring oh god.

He is soon pumping your member, and you let out more whimpers as it happens, and then he caught you up by surprise as he lowers himself, and start to suck on you, more moans and whimpers come out of your mouth, one of your hands goes to his head forcing him to go faster, and he does, and very carefully to no break your skin with those sharp teeths.

And you're gone, you came on his mouth, he took all of it, you blush even more at knowing it, you must have warned him, damn, he goes up and start to kiss you again, and you feel the taste of your own come, it is not that good but you kiss him back.

And after it, his hand goes even more lower, and you freeze up at the feeling of a finger being pressed against your entrance, he tries to calm you down, kissing your cheek and neek, you soon relaxed a bit and he enters you, you let out a whimper of disconfort, and soon he is doing movements of in and out with his finger, making you whimper even more, after a lot of this movements, he adds another finger and start to scretch you open, you actually cried out at that, and a third finger is added and you lose it, you're moaning, you can't help yourself anymore, he start to kiss you, and letting you without air, he put his fingers away.

-Say to me to stop and I will, I promisse, okay?- he says, and lowers himself to kiss you, you kiss him back, as you feel something against your entrance, he is pushing himself against you, you soon feel his tip on you, you hold your whimper, he is putting more and more of him inside of you, and he is entirely inside of you, he stopped kissing you.

Tears start to come out, and whimpers coming out of you mouth as well, you feel like your body is tearing apart, he is trying to calm you down by kissing your tears away and nuzzling agaisnt your neck.

-Fuck...you..You are bleeding...heck- he says, that scares you a bit, but he doesn't let that worry you by distracting you kissing your neck.

As soon as he thought you were fine and well to go, he start to move, and your moans and whimpers started to come out once again, feeling his bulge coming in and out inside of you it is some sort of good, you dare you would think that later, but for now, it is great, soon karkat sped up in his thrusts, and you start to moan louder and louder, wraping your arms around his neck, and your legs around his waist, but he stopped, you look at him confused.

He is changing position, now you are hugging a pillow and your butt is up, and he is behind you, grabing you by the waist and starting to thrust on you like that, in that angle he can go deeper and you are fucking enjoying it, and moaning, he is going even faster right now, his claws are digging on your thights and you cry out at this feeling, he is more faster, and you can feel yourself about to cum, and you can feel him lowering himself with his belly and chest pressed against your back, he bites your neck, and it started to bleed, you moan even louder, you can feel he is about to come aswell.

More faster and harder thrusts started to come and you lose it, you came on the blanket, and he thrust some more on you and he is coming inside of you, he let go of you neck, he licks the mark he made.

His bulge is not coming out of you, and you just whimper at the feeling of some of his come coming out of you, his breaths are heavy against your neck.

-K-Karkat...- You call but he just grips harder against you, and bites your neck once more, and you feel more cum on you, fuck, it is too much.


	7. Chapter 7

You wake up again, and you look around and you realized you're in your room, alone, you try to get up, but you feel pain as you try to, so you come back to lay down, you remembered what happened, and blushed even more.

-John?...Are you awake?- you turn and you see karkat sitting by your side.

-Yes...- you say.

-are you uh...okay?- he asks, and you smile a bit at him.

-yes I am...- you say, he smiles at you back.

-good- he says, taking a piece of your hair and putting behind your ear.

-Are we...dating now?- you asks he blushes a bit.

-I guess...? I mean...Why not?- you laughs a little at it.

-Love you...- you say and he blushes more.

-flushed for you too- he says, this time you really felt loved, and you think you're okay with your sexuality right now, no more fears.


End file.
